update

so ive been sick, flu, bummed out,missed out on the club 3 nights in a row now, been watching grey's anatomy from the very first episode non stop and i dont plan to stop this binge till i reach the season finale of season 4. it seems that things are just .....different. you ever had the feeling where everything was good one day and then different the next, well i have this feeling in me currently and it just seemed this way since last weekend and well it just seems as tho i have a greater outlook on things. i have questioned myself, asking myself what it is i am exaclty doing here, and the answer is i am currently doing nothing. i let my own setbacks set me back tho i hate to see others let themselves be held back by setbacks, im struggling to seperate myself from the image of my ex-bestfriend. very few things can cause such a struggle within me. i am seen as a heartless cold bastard who makes decisions based on what i can gain from the outcome, yet this is not who i want to be seen as. my dilema is finding my image,my self image,one that does not involve me being attatched to an asshole. and i know where the answer lies,but im afraid to turn to it. im afraid to look to God for help,afraid to ask for help frfom those he seemingly placed in my life to do just that,help me. why,i do not know,but i need to get over this fear before it has become too late......